The Worst Day of My Life

It s been a little over twelve hours since I found out my husband is asexual. It amazes me that I have a master’s degree, and I am a counselor, but I have never heard of the orientation. My heart is literally crushed. It physically is in pain. I have no idea how to go about the situation. I love him. I love him more than anything. He is my life and my best friend. I am a Christian, and I married him for better or worse.

Did I mention my husband is asexual? He has no desire to have sex with me, ever. We are best friends, and that is all we are. I can not imagine my life without him, yet I can not imagine being sexless for the rest of my life. I need the emotional connectives of sex as well as the physical pleasure. I want to make love to my husband more than anything in the world. I want him to think I am sexy.

I just literally fell to the ground to pray with tears rushing down my face. As sad as I am, I am thankful that I am not pregnant. That was the one thing I thought would bring me happiness in a sexless marriage. A baby would be the answer to my incredible pain and feelings of rejection. I truly feel God has a plan for me, a wonderful plan. It may include a child with an asexual man that I adore, but I’m not so sure. I feel completely lost and empty, but I still have hope. Maybe even hope that my husband will change. That he will wake up one morning with the sex drive of, well, a human.

I do not want to hurt him. He loves me. I know he does. Just because he is asexual does not mean that he does not care about me. He loves to hold my hand, peck kiss me, and cuddle me. He is the most affectionate man that I have ever met. He makes me feel special, smart, and safe. We have fun together and I love spending time with him. One of my favorite things about him used to be that his lack of interest in other woman. He would never cheat on me. I have always felt very secure in our relationship. That was one of the many reasons I fell in love with him. Now, the thought of him not being sexually attracted to woman scares the shit out of me. Wow, what am I going to do? I have no idea.

Last night was the most enlightening night of my life. I never expect to have sex with my husband. If we do have sex, it is out of his guilt for me. It has taken me almost four years and sex less than thirty times to realize this. I have been in serious denial and uninformed about what was actually going on with him until now. We had sex. We at least tried to. He initiated it because I never do. I know not to. His guilt made him do it. He did not get off or seem to enjoy it. The excuse always seems to be he is too tired or too weak. When he used that line last night I burst into tears and straight up told him how I felt, unattractive and unloved. It was when I said sex is the one thing that might lead to our divorce that he finally opened up. I had read about asexuality just two days before he blurted out, “Maybe I am asexual.” It took that one statement for me to do a reality check and start my never-ending introspective state of being.

Of course, it all makes sense now. Now that I know what the hell asexuality is. How did I not learn about this in college? Seven years at four year university, a bachelor’s degree in psychology and a master’s degree counseling but never the utterance of the orientation. My own research is what led me to the understanding. Unfortunately, it took me one year of marriage and two years and eight months of dating to come to the life changing conclusion. I always thought our sex life would change. I always thought it would get better. It did not cross my mind that a man might not have a sex drive. It’s a relief in a way. Maybe, I am worthy of lustful thoughts. It astonishes me that Bryce is so pure that he does not lust. He has never sinned in that way. As of now, I know why my husband does not desire me. He is asexual.