The Plan of My Existence

I actually woke up this morning without the queasiness in my stomach that I have experienced for the past five days. As the day went by there was still no way I could put a piece of food in my mouth. The mere thought of that makes me feel sick. Hopefully having a plan will get me through the next six months of my life. I live by plans. They make me feel like I have control over my life, something at this point that seems unattainable.

I am very fond on my job as a middle school guidance counselor. It is my first year being employed, and I have to finish up the year. Currently, my husband and I are located an hour away from my hometown, and my job is an hour and a half away from everything I know. A little less than six months are left for the school year. I have to give our marriage that. I have to give our marriage a chance. I owe it to God, my family, and myself.

I am almost twenty-seven years old, and I consider myself to be very attractive. I am very petite and look very young for my age. Six months is not that long to wait. Surely, I can do it. It sounds like I am still trying to convince myself yet there is absolutely no way I can bring myself to leave this man. During the next six months, I am going to give my marriage everything that I possibly can and hope that the romantic love that we share will be enough to allow myself to stay.

It’s kind of like my own little experiment. Can a person be happy without sex? Can a union between a man and woman last without making love? These are questions only I can answer for myself. Writing has always been a great joy to me and I think these expressions will help me to stay sane until summer time. Also, I’ll have something to give my mother when I rip her heart in to two. The last few days I have been pretty sure that I have to leave my husband. It was not until last night that I decided just maybe I can stay in a marriage that leads me to porn and self satisfaction.

I just noticed another symptom of my depression, shaking. It happens. I get so scared and sad that my body just starts shaking uncontrollably. As I write this my hands, feet, my whole damn body is shaking. I have never felt like this in my entire life. I now know what it is like to be depressed in a psychological sense. My heart feels like it could explode at any second.