Black Snake Moan

Bryce and I watched a couple of movies last night. It definitely became a little uncomfortable for me, because they involved sex. Ironically, I was watching a movie about a nymphomaniac with an asexual. It felt like I was watching a dirty movie with my younger brother. I don’t have a younger brother, but if I did that is exactly how it would feel like. It was shocking when Bryce asked why Ray (Christina Ricci) from Black Snake Moan was wrapping herself into chains. He had no idea why she would be doing that. “She’s about to masturbate,” I said as if I am teaching sex education to a 5th grader. The movie made me desire that physical intimacy that I am lacking in my marriage. It was obvious, it did nothing for him.

The idea of pornography sprucing up our sex life has been in the back on my head for a while now. Just a couple of weeks ago, I brought the subject up with my husband hoping that it would be the solution to our troubles. He did not seem at all interested in it and even said pornography would not turn him on. That seems odd, because Max After Dark seems to do the trick for me just fine.

The Plan of My Existence

I actually woke up this morning without the queasiness in my stomach that I have experienced for the past five days. As the day went by there was still no way I could put a piece of food in my mouth. The mere thought of that makes me feel sick. Hopefully having a plan will get me through the next six months of my life. I live by plans. They make me feel like I have control over my life, something at this point that seems unattainable.

I am very fond on my job as a middle school guidance counselor. It is my first year being employed, and I have to finish up the year. Currently, my husband and I are located an hour away from my hometown, and my job is an hour and a half away from everything I know. A little less than six months are left for the school year. I have to give our marriage that. I have to give our marriage a chance. I owe it to God, my family, and myself.

I am almost twenty-seven years old, and I consider myself to be very attractive. I am very petite and look very young for my age. Six months is not that long to wait. Surely, I can do it. It sounds like I am still trying to convince myself yet there is absolutely no way I can bring myself to leave this man. During the next six months, I am going to give my marriage everything that I possibly can and hope that the romantic love that we share will be enough to allow myself to stay.

It’s kind of like my own little experiment. Can a person be happy without sex? Can a union between a man and woman last without making love? These are questions only I can answer for myself. Writing has always been a great joy to me and I think these expressions will help me to stay sane until summer time. Also, I’ll have something to give my mother when I rip her heart in to two. The last few days I have been pretty sure that I have to leave my husband. It was not until last night that I decided just maybe I can stay in a marriage that leads me to porn and self satisfaction.

I just noticed another symptom of my depression, shaking. It happens. I get so scared and sad that my body just starts shaking uncontrollably. As I write this my hands, feet, my whole damn body is shaking. I have never felt like this in my entire life. I now know what it is like to be depressed in a psychological sense. My heart feels like it could explode at any second.

New Year's Day

Tears are flooding my face. I can barely breathe. My heart aches in misery, and I feel the pounds literally falling off me. I may have had a panic attack earlier during “our” conversation, pretty sure that I did. My heart seemed to stop. I wonder if anyone has ever died of heart ache. I think I might. I need my mom. I want my mother more than anything. I want her to tell me everything will be okay. The confusion is overwhelming me and the pain seems endless.

What will everyone think if I leave him? My family will be so hurt, and it would sadden his’ as well. People will judge me and talk about me. The disappointment will destroy me. I feel that I am destined to live an unhappy year, maybe an unhappy year. I’m not even sure what I want. It’s so hard. I love Mike more than my words could ever describe. The thought of him not being my husband scares the crap out of me.

The Worst Day of My Life

It s been a little over twelve hours since I found out my husband is asexual. It amazes me that I have a master’s degree, and I am a counselor, but I have never heard of the orientation. My heart is literally crushed. It physically is in pain. I have no idea how to go about the situation. I love him. I love him more than anything. He is my life and my best friend. I am a Christian, and I married him for better or worse.

Did I mention my husband is asexual? He has no desire to have sex with me, ever. We are best friends, and that is all we are. I can not imagine my life without him, yet I can not imagine being sexless for the rest of my life. I need the emotional connectives of sex as well as the physical pleasure. I want to make love to my husband more than anything in the world. I want him to think I am sexy.

I just literally fell to the ground to pray with tears rushing down my face. As sad as I am, I am thankful that I am not pregnant. That was the one thing I thought would bring me happiness in a sexless marriage. A baby would be the answer to my incredible pain and feelings of rejection. I truly feel God has a plan for me, a wonderful plan. It may include a child with an asexual man that I adore, but I’m not so sure. I feel completely lost and empty, but I still have hope. Maybe even hope that my husband will change. That he will wake up one morning with the sex drive of, well, a human.

I do not want to hurt him. He loves me. I know he does. Just because he is asexual does not mean that he does not care about me. He loves to hold my hand, peck kiss me, and cuddle me. He is the most affectionate man that I have ever met. He makes me feel special, smart, and safe. We have fun together and I love spending time with him. One of my favorite things about him used to be that his lack of interest in other woman. He would never cheat on me. I have always felt very secure in our relationship. That was one of the many reasons I fell in love with him. Now, the thought of him not being sexually attracted to woman scares the shit out of me. Wow, what am I going to do? I have no idea.

Last night was the most enlightening night of my life. I never expect to have sex with my husband. If we do have sex, it is out of his guilt for me. It has taken me almost four years and sex less than thirty times to realize this. I have been in serious denial and uninformed about what was actually going on with him until now. We had sex. We at least tried to. He initiated it because I never do. I know not to. His guilt made him do it. He did not get off or seem to enjoy it. The excuse always seems to be he is too tired or too weak. When he used that line last night I burst into tears and straight up told him how I felt, unattractive and unloved. It was when I said sex is the one thing that might lead to our divorce that he finally opened up. I had read about asexuality just two days before he blurted out, “Maybe I am asexual.” It took that one statement for me to do a reality check and start my never-ending introspective state of being.

Of course, it all makes sense now. Now that I know what the hell asexuality is. How did I not learn about this in college? Seven years at four year university, a bachelor’s degree in psychology and a master’s degree counseling but never the utterance of the orientation. My own research is what led me to the understanding. Unfortunately, it took me one year of marriage and two years and eight months of dating to come to the life changing conclusion. I always thought our sex life would change. I always thought it would get better. It did not cross my mind that a man might not have a sex drive. It’s a relief in a way. Maybe, I am worthy of lustful thoughts. It astonishes me that Bryce is so pure that he does not lust. He has never sinned in that way. As of now, I know why my husband does not desire me. He is asexual.

The Realization of my Self Actualization

Am I really doing this? Is this really the first day of what may be the biggest realization of my life? I am a smart girl. I mean I am a smart woman. How is this my life? How did I put myself in this position? I knew in the beginning. I knew before we got married. I did this to myself. Society did this. Television did this. Nope, I did this.